Welcome back to Chelsea, Mourinho

Never go back? Bah, this is the Special, sorry, Happy One we’re talking about.

The man made by God to fill cabinets with trophies. Welcome back to your real home where the press lapped up your every Jagger-like move; where we the fans will worship the ground you walk on. You won’t have a Messi Barca to inhibit your procession to another league title. No sir, no baby-faced four-time Ballon d’Or winning, scoring-against-every-team-in-the-league party-pooper. Just a Fergie-less Man U and their Noisy Neighbours who will be under new management as well. May as well start shopping around for a suit to be thrown up and down in by your jubilant charges as the confetti rains down.

Forget about the Spanish press; they didn’t know how good a thing they had. They’ll wake up in the middle of another dull, Blaugrana-dominated season, like the kid who wakes up at midnight, dreaming of the steak he passed up for candy in a fit of greed. They’ll sigh and cast longing eyes up north where you’ll be keeping the pundits busy with witty anecdotes and off-the-script remarks as you explain how you finally wangled goals out of Torres. Or helped your son Essien wind back the clock and produce commanding performance after commanding performance.

Ah yes, it’s written in the stars; 2013-2014 will be the season you restore London to the Premier League throne and England to the Champions League high table. While your former understudy will be guiding a team shorn of Bale’s lethal left foot through tricky Thursday night fixtures, you will have rediscovered the notebook you lost in Milan. The notebook on how to defend against fleet-footed rogues like Arjen Robben and Frank Ribery and shut out pretenders to the ‘classy midfielder’ tag like ‘Schweinie’ out of games. You will dust it off and read it to John Obi Mikel and he’ll come alive. Hell, he’ll probably even score a goal in the process. This is how you’ll mastermind yet another stunning Blues double. But this time, of the two trophies that really matter to your employer.

Never go back? Maybe lesser men, not Jose Mourinho. Welcome back home, Special One.