Confusion at the FA

In the latest undercover research carried out by the AFFL for the benefit of our readers, we have through our contacts at the FA managed to obtain the transcript from a meeting held at FA Headquarters just before the interview with Roy Hodgson.

In the latest of our award winning 'as if' series, which also includes some footage of the actual interview, proves without doubt that the game is in safe hands and our football ambitions at national level can finally be obtained!

Monday 30th April 2pm FA Headquarters

Chairman: thank you everyone for cutting lunch short so we can have a chat before Roy gets here........where is the Finance Director?

Director 1: think we might have had a little mis-understanding here Mr. Chairman, when we said we were going to see Roy Hodgson our fellow director misheard, he has booked tickets to watch Roger Hodgson and is waiting at the Royal Albert hall with tickets in hand, he has just send me a text......

Director 2: Roger Hodgson, the Roger Hodgson, from Super Tramp, "give a little bit, give a little of your life to me”.....

Chairman: thank you Mr. Director for that rendition, how could he have thought that.....oh never mind.....what time is the show?

Director 1: starts at 7pm, he has been queuing all morning for the tickets!

Chairman: maybe we can wrap this England Manager job up before then and get down there in time.

Director 2: excellent Mr. Chairman, let's hope Mr. Hodgson hasn't got any long presentation for us to endure.

Chairman: indeed, Mr. Football Director you seem rather quiet, I was hoping you would be able to give Mr. Hodgson a bit of a grilling on all things footie?

Football Director: I don't wish to play any part in this process thank you. None f you would know a football if it hit you in the face!

Director 1:like the one that hit you in the face in the 1980 Cup Final, or you still claiming it was a header?

Director 2: he is just sulking Mr. Chairman because we didn't take his mate Harry into consideration for the job, done a full dossier on him and everything.

Chairman: I thought we agreed on this, Harry won't fit in here, he is to chatty, likes talking to the press, before we know it he will be telling all kinds of tales, bank accounts named after dogs....come on......

Guffaws from around the table.

And we can't afford him, Levy wants millions in compensation, West Brom have said we can have Roy for free, ask the Finance Director, if he was not at the Albert hall, after paying off Fabio, we are broke, we have had to make cutbacks everywhere, even Mrs Miggins has had to go .

Director 2: what so no afternoon tea today? No cake?

Director 1: it's alright Costa deliver now, nice young lady set to come around at 3 with a menu.

Chairman: ok, well if you are not going to participate Mr. Football Director, you can at least be on hand if Mr. Hodgson has any difficult footie tactics he wants to debate! Now do we have the interview questions for this afternoon?

Director 1: might be a problem Mr. Chairman, couldn't really think of anything but I did find the questions we used to interview Fabio in the archive box, here they are....

Chairman: they appear to be in Italian!

Director 1: yes, we'll we had to get that translator in to ask the questions, Fabio didn’t really understand our lingo when he started.

Director 2: or anytime after as far as I could make out...never understood a word he said!

Chairman:  great, we can't ask questions that we don't understand, although didn't Roy manage Italy at one point......he might be able to read them for us.

Football director: he managed Switzerland!

Chairman: oh, we'll close enough, sure it will be ok.

3pm Knock on the door

Vanita: excuse me gentleman, Mr. Hodgson is here and the girl from Costa is here.

Chairman: thank you Vanita, send the Costa girl in and tell Mr. Hodgson we are running late and will call for him shortly.

5pm Two hours later.

Chairman: sorry to keep you so long Roy, still you are probably used to sitting on a bench for a couple of hours.

Roy Hodgson: no problem Mr. Chairman, although I was hopeful of catching the game later, if I'm fortunate to manage my country, really should check on form of our English players.

Chairman: Is there a game tonight?

Roy Hodgson: why yes, Manchester united v Manchester city, title decider really, huge game.

Chairman: is that tonight, oh well, we have important plans as well so we are also keen to wrap this up as quickly as possible. How is your Italian?

Roy Hodgson: well I can get by, but I do have a power point presentation to show you which will outline my plans, objectives and five year plan for English football.

Chairman. That sounds wonderful, will it take long?

6.30pm

Roy Hodgson: so in summary I believe that within my five year plan I will ensure by 2014 we will have an English team with an average age of 23 ready and able to win the World Cup, nearly 50 yrs on from when we last lifted the great prize in 1966.

Director 2: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chairman to Director 1: whispers, give him a nudge will you.

Director 2: give a little bit, give a little bit of your..........oh, did someone mention 66?

Chairman: thank you fellow director, well Roy that was excellent, everything we want and need, do you have any football related questions Mr. Football Director.

Football Director: no

Chairman: thank you for that, Roy, you have probably noticed the absence of our football director, he is on important FA business sorting tickets, but......

Roy Hodgson: I see FA Cup final tickets I expect, one week to go, very busy I expect...

Chairman: Cup Final, oh Christ, Director 2 check we have printed those tickets will you.

Yes our finance director just wanted to enquire whether you owned any dogs?

Roy Hodgson: yes, I do, is it important?

Chairman: no, not really but if you could leave the names of the dogs with Vanita that will be great, can never be too careful.

Well I think we are all in agreement, when can you start Roy?

Roy Hodgson: well how about after the season has finished?

Chairman: splendid, no need to rush, just turn up here when the season is over, we will clear a desk for you, thanks for coming him.

 Roy Hodgson: thank you Mr Chairman, it’s a great honour to manage....

Chairman: yes, yes, anyway Roy we must be off, some business in town to attend to. You coming with us Mr Football Director?

Football Director: No

Roy Hodgson leaves, quickly followed by the Chairman, Director 1 & 2

Football Director turns on the radio in the room.

DJ Voice: and now we go back to a tune from the past, its Super Tramp and Its Raining Again!

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