Not mentioning any names

Not mentioning any names

GK                   -                       Micox Haddamann

The big American, born to parents Jordon and Peter, current plies his trade as back-up keeper at Wolves. Micox just passed his GNVQ level 1 in heavy petting. Mr. Kannikiss, PFA Retirement Coordinator said: “Micox is a big lad with a strong head.”

DL                    -                       Leighton Beans

A good friend of Guy Branston, the free-kick specialist Tweeted: “I peeled off Mark Fish before chipping Seaman.”

DC                    -                       Chris Smallring

It’s true… word on the street is that he’s only a size K around his middle finger!

DC                    -                       Aarooooon Makarana

Mr. Pompey wasn’t that impressed when Aarooooon suggested swapping the drum for a vuvuzela. Imagine Orvil, in a waistcoat, with alopecia, playing a clarinet… got it?

DR                    -                       Emmanuels Boobys

Not to be confused with the 80’s erotic movie star, Emmanuels is an Ivory Coast international famed for being a bit of a pacey right-back. He was once skinned by a squirrel at the Emirates, tit.

ML                    -                       Florence and the Malouda

The Frenchman is currently working on a new track with DJ Dizzee Campbell… ‘You’ve got the tash… you’ve got the tash… youuuu’ve got the tash I need…

MC                   -                       Sillymans Cardy

He’s the Gok Wan of the Premier League with all of his snazzy attire. The Nigerian also has a decent honk on him from the edge of the box. One of the many Harry Manadaric deals from the African desert.

MC                   -                       Stillians Petslost

Uncle Bulgaria; the ex-Hoops midfielder lost his goal scoring touch after moving to Villa. Room sharing with Ozzy’s long lost son, Isaiah Osbourne wasn’t such a good idea after the youngster gobbled up his dog.

MR                   -                       Peter Lovelypants

If you’d like to book an Ann Summers party, call 0800-LOVELYPANTS now.

ST                    -                       Smellymans Canoe

Another African makes it into the dream-team after finding his way all the way from the Ivory Coast to Chelsea… in a small dingy…  apparently?

ST                    -                       John Cantpoo

The truth behind the big Norwegian’s failed move to West Brom in January. The constipated striker failed a medical!

Simon Bourne

Twitter:   http://twitter.com/#!/I3orny